my new home
so i have a new home. 6 people live here, so thats downsizing in a way. however there are only 4 bedrooms, so it feels much fuller somehow than the last one. although, i dont think everyone is ever in the house at the same time (except for maybe at like 4 in the morning, and even that is not all that definite).
but it's a family. we take turns cooking family dinners. we eat together. we do each others' laundry on occasion. we check in with each other and see how our day/week is going. we take turns doing chores (we even have a chore schedule). we put relationships with each other as priorities in our lives. we pray together. some of us study scripture together. its pretty great.
but like all families, it has its difficulties. we each have very unique personalities, and so different things are difficult for each of us.
for me, it's hard having people around all the time. especially because i share a room. sometimes i just want my own space. sometimes i really don't want to talk about my day, or my feelings, or my life. sometimes i just want to eat my own food and not have to consider the others. sometimes i just don't want to be considerate. sometimes im tired of having these people around all the time. sometimes they get on my nerves. sometimes i am jealous of other people. sometimes i don't like the relationship dynamics of the house. sometimes someone does something that might hurt me. sometimes i get so frickin distracted. sometimes i can't find something and i dont know where it went and i wonder who moved it. sometimes there are so many dishes its just ridiculous. sometimes all this just really overwhelms me.
ive realized that most of that stems from a couple things. the first is independence. it's such a huge thing in our society/culture, especially in the university life, that i'm on my own now and i can do it all on my own and i dont need other people and i dont need to think about their needs and i can be all-powerful becky. clearly, that's not true. clearly, jesus says we should consider other people's needs before our own, and that community life is about being there for each other and caring for each other and sharing and generosity.
another thing is personal space. we also learn that personal space is really important, that i can have my own space and time and life that i dont need to share with anyone else. this is true in one sense, like i am an introvert and i do need non-people-social time to recharge. but at the same time, in community life we share with each other, we share our space and time and lives. and sharing is something that is healthy and good.
the last thing is this whole thing about feelings. i dont like to have them, i dont like to feel them, and i definitely dont like to talk about them or share them. especially those deep ones. i can share the surface ones, but those deep ones that i dont really understand or like? nuh uh. and the problem in community life is that people ask, and people want to know and be a part of my life, including my feelings. including those deep ones. and i could probably get through this year without sharing the deep ones, and ive seriously considered that. but then would i really be participating in all that community life holds? how does holding back impact my home, my family?
so im learning. working on it. trying to share, to care, to love. those are things that i say i believe in, that i say are really important, really good and jesus-like. but now im having the chance to actually live it. and its a bit tricky at times. but thats ok. I thank God that community also means forgiveness and grace and mercy and second chances.
