the mind of becky

things currently on my mind:

1) how to think/reflect/introspect on my life and my self and god and such without getting ridiculously stressed out and anxious and overwhelmed. because sometimes i feel like my options are: a) reflect and be super stressed, or b) just don't reflect. but i think that's not the only way, so i need to find an alternative somehow.

2) questions are ok. uncertainty is ok. good, really. ALL questions. none of this "salvation question" business. i can't hold them inside me for indefinite lengths of time just because it stresses me out too much to let them surface. that = not healthy.

3) If i want to see God and his goodness, i have to a) look for it and be open to it, and b) create space/time for him to actually shop up/speak/be present. ways i aim to do this are: a) pray the daily office in the morning and evening, and b) spend 10 minutes in the evening reflecting on where in my day Jesus has felt close/present, and where I have felt alone/Jesus has felt far (also known as consolation/desolation)

4) there are always opportunities to talk to people, get to know them better, talk about life and stuff, let them get to know me. so i should try to take them sometimes.

5) following Jesus is really good for everyone. we all have some brokenness inside. even if it's not apparent. Jesus' first disciples probably looked like they had it all together, were pretty ok with their life in general... but look what Jesus had for them!

thats about it. big thoughts actually. somehow they all manage to float around my head/heart. hopefully theres still space in there for the psychology and music history that i'm currently trying to study...

just thoughts.

ate pizza and perogies and am listening to christmas music while attempting to write an essay.

ah the life of a student.

we miss the days of being children, of freedom from stress and responsibility. of playing and having fun and just being kids.

but we enjoy this new freedom. the freedom of dairy queen at midnight and wine with dinner and chocolate for breakfast. freedom of going out whenever you want with whoever you want doing whatever you want.

i guess we'll never have both. or, if you do, somehow i dont think thats very healthy. freedom with no responsibility? probably a bad call.

not really sure where im going with this one. just thought id start typing and see what happens.

feelings are weird. sad feelings come and go with a higher strength and frequency than im used to. not exactly sure what to do with that either.

also dont know how to solve the dilemma of being with people and being alone. i love being with people and i love being alone. when im with people i want to be alone and when im alone i want to be with people. too much other either is really not good for me, definitely induces undesirable feelings.

also, dont know how to focus when i really dont want to, i know things always get done in time, but that requires focus, it wont just get done on its own.

im feeling kinda crappy today, but its my own fault... my stomach is complaining. doesnt help the focusing though.

i just spent way too much time reading through a bunch of my old blog posts. interesting stuff. its amazing how cyclic life is. i feel the same things and go through the same things over and over. also remember how happy i was with the boy for a time... and also the unhappiness at times.

should probably at least attempt some more work on my essay. it is due tuesday. which seems like i have loads of time, but im fairly certain that time will go by SO quickly.

i dream of a safe place...

i wrote this on the train home this weekend. its long and rambly, but i felt like i should post it. so here goes.

I dream of a safe place
where vulnerability is ok
expected even
where people are valued
for their inside self
where people dont try to change each other
to be like themselves

i guess this place exists
for some people
in some form
if they really want it

i dream of a safe place where sadness is ok
expected even
where people don't say "cheer up"
or worse yet,
"youre fine"
where we dont have to "talk about it"
unless of course you want to
where music is expression
and youre not judged on it

i dream of a safe place
where uncertainty is ok
expected even
where no one has all the answers
and they dont pretend to either
where conversation is ideas and questions
wonderings even
and not being right (and youre wrong)

i dream of a safe place where 'expectations' are not mandated
and not expected either
where i make my choices and you make yours
we can talk and discuss
give input even,
but youre not disappointed if i dont fulfill it
why is it your place to be disappointed anyways?
where i guess disappointment is human and natural
but it doesnt dictate how you feel about me
or treat me
or them

i dream of a safe place where the future is the future
nothing more nothing less
and what you do with it does not define you
or control you
where you can change your mind or your path
and thats ok
expected even
where theres no 'alot' or 'a little'
when it comes to what you do with it
its your life
do with it as you will

i dream of a safe place where god-talk is ok
expected even
where it doesnt cause hatred or discomfort
on either side
where its not seen as sides at all
or in or out
or any version of that dichotomy
where 'i dont get it' and 'i dont know'
are acceptable forms of faith
encouraged even

i dream of a safe place where peace is ok
expected even
where fighting is never ok
even on a screen
or in a family
or anywhere
where 'working things out' is just what we do
other options arent even options
where you-as-a-person is most important
not you-as-an-opponent
where 'i dont like you' is seen as a choice
that we dont choose
period

what has our world become
when we cry at night
because we cant see our dreams becoming reality
ever
we dont even know what it would look like
do we all have these dreams?
what safe places do we all dream of?

today i choose to keep dreaming
even in this world where dreams dont come true
where pain and hurt are the norm
and 'safe places' dont exist
where we are all so lost
or me at least
i cant speak for everyone
maybe they have safe places
maybe their dreams come true
or maybe they dont dream
maybe theyre ok with this world
who knows
not me, thats for sure

maybe ill drink alot and kiss some boy
thats a good solution
or not

i digress
from what, im not sure
but its a nice phrase at least
why are alcohol and boys so appealing?
do i miss it
or him
what purpose do they fulfill
what do i hope to get from them
good thing i can psycho-analyze myself

at least music is good
music is always good
except for when its not
like practicing
and some of that atonal stuff

(the following is song lyrics from what i was listening to on the train):
"til one day i realize i dont remember that youre gone
we'll be strangers
who were lovers
ill recover
its so weird how time goes on"

my new home

so i have a new home. 6 people live here, so thats downsizing in a way. however there are only 4 bedrooms, so it feels much fuller somehow than the last one. although, i dont think everyone is ever in the house at the same time (except for maybe at like 4 in the morning, and even that is not all that definite).

but it's a family. we take turns cooking family dinners. we eat together. we do each others' laundry on occasion. we check in with each other and see how our day/week is going. we take turns doing chores (we even have a chore schedule). we put relationships with each other as priorities in our lives. we pray together. some of us study scripture together. its pretty great.

but like all families, it has its difficulties. we each have very unique personalities, and so different things are difficult for each of us.

for me, it's hard having people around all the time. especially because i share a room. sometimes i just want my own space. sometimes i really don't want to talk about my day, or my feelings, or my life. sometimes i just want to eat my own food and not have to consider the others. sometimes i just don't want to be considerate. sometimes im tired of having these people around all the time. sometimes they get on my nerves. sometimes i am jealous of other people. sometimes i don't like the relationship dynamics of the house. sometimes someone does something that might hurt me. sometimes i get so frickin distracted. sometimes i can't find something and i dont know where it went and i wonder who moved it. sometimes there are so many dishes its just ridiculous. sometimes all this just really overwhelms me.

ive realized that most of that stems from a couple things. the first is independence. it's such a huge thing in our society/culture, especially in the university life, that i'm on my own now and i can do it all on my own and i dont need other people and i dont need to think about their needs and i can be all-powerful becky. clearly, that's not true. clearly, jesus says we should consider other people's needs before our own, and that community life is about being there for each other and caring for each other and sharing and generosity.

another thing is personal space. we also learn that personal space is really important, that i can have my own space and time and life that i dont need to share with anyone else. this is true in one sense, like i am an introvert and i do need non-people-social time to recharge. but at the same time, in community life we share with each other, we share our space and time and lives. and sharing is something that is healthy and good.

the last thing is this whole thing about feelings. i dont like to have them, i dont like to feel them, and i definitely dont like to talk about them or share them. especially those deep ones. i can share the surface ones, but those deep ones that i dont really understand or like? nuh uh. and the problem in community life is that people ask, and people want to know and be a part of my life, including my feelings. including those deep ones. and i could probably get through this year without sharing the deep ones, and ive seriously considered that. but then would i really be participating in all that community life holds? how does holding back impact my home, my family?

so im learning. working on it. trying to share, to care, to love. those are things that i say i believe in, that i say are really important, really good and jesus-like. but now im having the chance to actually live it. and its a bit tricky at times. but thats ok. I thank God that community also means forgiveness and grace and mercy and second chances.

my home.

this home that i live in... it's pretty ridiculous alot of the time. it's filled with some real characters, pretty sure that everyone around me is slightly (or not-so-slightly) insane. some ridiculous shit goes down, like knives getting thrown and trying to jump out of moving vehicles, long-distance spitting, and way too much singing of 'you are my sunshine' and the hula song. sometimes i honestly think it should be a reality tv show, i am just so entertained by the ridiculousness that is my home. this place wouldn't be NEARLY as fun without the crazy people.

but at the same time... i love it. these people are wonderful. everyone is filled with huge amounts of love and compassion and respect and care for each other, like i havent seen anywhere else. i know for a fact that everyone is behind me, everyone cares about me, everyone would have my back in an instant... and i see it in action, on a regular basis. we're like some big crazy family. sure, we get paid to be here, mostly because everyone needs a job in order to live, but we've chosen to be here because we love it (for the most part anyways). plus, im pretty sure you have to be at least slightly insane to deal with this stuff and come out the other side laughing.

ive learned that ridiculousness is part of life. ive learned to laugh it off. ive learned to pick my battles (and pick them wisely). ive learned that eccentricity (nice word for crazy people) is cause for great entertainment and enjoyment. ive learned to celebrate small (and big) occasions and accomplishments. ive learned to welcome people into my home, warmly and without question. ive learned that life is about being with people and enjoying it, and not stressing about the crazy stuff that is bound to happen. ive learned praying isnt a stressful exercise, its actually pretty easy and anyone can do it. ive learned jesus is present in people and places and situations you might never expect.

ive also learned that sleep is crucial to life. sleep whenever you can. sleep alot. it will help you deal with the ridiculousness of life. also. eating is important. eating properly affects you be a good person. for real. eating snacks helps you stay sane. chocolate can overcome alot of stress. snacking is a way of life (to me at least, most other people just laugh at me). you can eat food you never thought you would like if you a) put cheese sauce on it, b) eat it with a big bite of something tastier, or c) just close your eyes and hope its over soon. and, sometimes a handshake and a hug and a handshake will make you feel so much better.

i will be really sad to leave this home. it's been great. i can't believe i only have ten more days here. but i'm also excited for my new home. i have a feeling i will learn many more things and continue to experience the ridiculousness that is life. also, im pretty stoked to see what jesus has to show me...

my beliefs

i've thought alot about what i believe. there are many things that im uncertain about, and contrary to popular belief, i think that is totally ok. but there are somethings i am sure about:

i believe that honesty and authenticity is key to any relationship.
i believe that community is how we were meant to live.
i believe that open dialogue with real listening should be top priority.
i believe that everyone should be treated with love.
i believe that love means putting other people's needs before mine.
i believe that love means acceptance no matter what.
i believe that love means not making judgement calls about others.
i believe that jesus has ultimate authority in my life.
i believe that jesus is good and will always be good and work for good.

this story

i feel like an outsider. i don't want to be centre stage, but i don't want to just watch from the wings either. although im not sure i want to be part of this particular play anyways. i just wish i could be an actor, to play a role in shaping the story. but i am, at best, a walk-through. i show up, but have no voice in the way the story unfolds.

so what do i do? do i fight for a role? do i fight to shape the story to something i can be a part of? do i fight at all?

or do i leave. find another story to be part of. a story where there is no centre-stage. a story in which i have a role that is authentic and true.

psalms

so I've been trying to read through the psalms this summer. it's been a bit slow going, but I've gotten into a bit of a routine now which is good. here's a verse that stuck out to me today:

"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the lord in the land of the living. wait for the lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the lord"
psalm 27:13-14

and that is something that I continue to hold to, that I will see the lord's goodness in all things if I wait for it.

bowling ball

another fav song right now... in a more humourous sense. it's been a helpful reminder in the last few months.

"you need that boy like a bowling ball, dropped on your head, which means not at all"

so good. thankyou superchick.

Do you feel...

go watch:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaAWuWH46E8

So i love this song. so much. i'd kinda forgotten about how great it is. not entirely sure exactly what it is that hits me, but it totally does. i guess there's a few things, on a few levels:

the phrase "do you feel" is strong, because that is a question i ask myself from time to time, in various forms... do you feel this, becky? what do you feel? how do you feel? why do you feel?

the next part "do you feel, the weight of the world singing sorrow", is another strong question, because i think at times we all can feel the weight of the world, the sorrow and sadness that we are sure to face at some point. it seems as though it can press down on me, and that is all i can sing is sorrow.

but it gets better "do you feel, the weight of the world singing sorrow, or to you is it just not real?" because it's so true, sometimes i don't even see the sorrow of the world, it doesnt seem real, it just seems surreal and not connected or tangible to my life

and then, the hitter "do you feel, the weight of the world singing sorrow, or to you is it just not real, cuz you got your own things, yea we all have our things, i guess". because this is the truth. i have "things". you have "things". these "things" are described in the verses, the issues i own, that make me afraid, and the lip service that makes me look great.

and then the next question "why should i have to try, to fix things i didnt create or contrive". it's not my fault, i didn't make it, its not my "thing", it's yours, i convince myself the world is fine...

and finally, what i think is the core of this song: "can you feel the souls behind what's going on..." wow. can i feel? can i feel the souls? the real people? who have "things"? who are behind my "things"? who are affected by and affect my "things"? who are real people with their own things and fears? can i really truly feel THEM?

something to think on.

it's another superchick night. lonely, sad, and afraid.

superchick, angst, and journalling

today i was listening to my ipod while going for a walk. a song by superchick came on. i immediately thought "oh, i should skip this". why? not because i don't like superchick. not because i wasnt in the mood. not because it wasn't a good song.

it was because i listen to superchick when im in an 'angsty' type mood. mostly in like grade 11 when i had moments of feeling pretty crappy about life. and then for a bit when i broke up with the boy.

but thats all. tonight i thought 'i have no reason to be in an angsty mood so i shouldnt be listening to this'.

then i thought... why can't i listen to it now? i was feeling pretty crappy today: sad about certain scenarios, drained from work, exhausted from too little sleep. but i told myself that this wasn't a big deal. definitely not deserving of superchick-listening.

after this quick mental debate, i allowed myself to listen to it. and all these emotions came flooding to my mind. sadness and exhaustion and loneliness and uncertainty and more. and i realized that these things have kinda been floating around my head, but i hadn't allowed myself to acknowledge them, think about them, and definitely not express or deal with them.

and that's a problem. i have this pattern of ignoring my emotions, thinking that they're not really a big deal, that i can simply not feel them by deciding that im not going to feel them. this pattern has gone on a long time. i knew it in highschool. i had a big conversation about it with a friend/mentor in the spring. i think ive even blogged about it, more than once. but its like i've decided that my period-of-mourning (or whatever) is now officially over, so i shouldnt be feeling sadness. i shouldnt be listening to superchick. and so i just suppress these things, only to come up at the most inopportune times. AND it kills my sleep, which i really need. not a good call.

so, i am once again resolving to journal. it's a good way to express them, think about them, try to come up with a way to deal with them.

i am also resolving to go for walks. i did tonight and it was a good head-clearing exercise. PLUS i need all the physical exercise i can get.

i would also resolve to talk about them with someone, only problem is that i don't really have a handy person around to do that with. or, its not that i dont have anyone around, because i do, its that there are very few people that i will allow myself to show these emotions around, something about emotional security and vulnerability and all that. le sigh.

so thats all for now.

Desert Song

My newest favourite song, kinda the theme of my life right now:
Desert Song by Hillsong United
so wonderful.

Verse 1:
This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

Verse 2:
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

Chorus:
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

Verse 3:
And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

Bridge:
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

Verse 4:
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

adventures in dreamland...

i dream alot. i have very vivid dreams, and i often remember them for the rest of the day. this happens especially when im sleeping in a new place, or when theres some type of change in my life. if you havent heard, theres been a good deal of change and new things in my life since the end of march, and ive been dreaming alot.

im not sure what i think about dreams. most of me thinks that its just random neurons in my brain firing and my mind creating pictures/a story to try to make some sense of it. it also tends to relate to whatever has been on my mind recently. this is a very reasonable explanation.

but sometimes, i think a dream has more to it than that. its not like i see the future or anything crazy like that, but i think that my dreams often reflect the state i'm in at the time, and sometimes they reveal something to me i hadn't thought of, or help me to think about what is going on in some area. maybe because i'm not very good at self-reflection this is a way that my brain (or god?) forces me to spend at least a little time thinking about what's going on and how i feel or whatever.

lately my dreams have been focusing on a few specific topics, namely that of boys and my relationship to them. and i've realized a few things about myself and people around me and how i act and the ideas i hold in my head.... and i think, strange, all this from a dream?

moving on

i don't miss him anymore.

or at least, the feeling is much less frequent, and it is less strong, less raw, less painful, less severe. its more the feeling of missing an old friend who you have drifted away from, rather than the sharp pain of losing a lover.

i had two dreams lately that made me think about this. i don't put a lot of stock in dreams, but i do believe that they can reflect thought processes and internal feelings.

the first dream was pretty horrific. in it, i discovered that the boy had killed himself, because of his sorrow and the problems surrounding the end of our relationship. i cried. i was sad at the loss of life. but i also realized that in a way, i had accepted the death of our relationship. this marked for me a real ending and closure, and a sense of moving on.

the second was much nicer. it included a decent amount of flirtation with an attractive boy, ending in a quick and 'stolen' kiss. it was lovely. i woke up thinking "wow... i can actually see myself kissing another boy". i dont think it had anything to do with the specific boy, but more the idea that i have moved on enough that the thought of being with another boy is actually plausible, and even exciting. i dont want to rush anything, but this helped me see that i have moved on, that i am no longer bound to the boy, that i now see myself as open to potential new relationships.

just some interesting observations in dream-land.

in real-land, the same thing is happening.

i am learning to be single. i am learning to be my own person, to make my own decisions, based on my own desires and feelings and thoughts (and schedule!). i am learning not to rely on another person to make me feel good about myself, or to feel wanted. i am also learning to rely on many other people, to have numerous people around me to provide support. i am learning to hold onto my future loosely, and to be open to whatever happens.

these are good things. and i am excited to see what the rest of the summer has in store.

missing things.

i miss him.

i miss my community in waterloo.

i miss my apartment.

i miss school.

i miss doing whatever i want in my own time.

i miss personal space.

i miss having things needing to get done.

i miss studying the bible.

i miss thinking about the KoG.

i miss good conversations.

i miss certain people.

mostly i miss him.

or at least.... i miss having a relationship. a number one fan. someone to tell me im beautiful. someone to talk to at the end of the day. someone to call no matter what time it is. someone to cuddle with.

im learning to not rely on him. its an important lesson. im trying so hard. but some days i dont want to learn this. i just want it back.

how do i learn to rely on jesus when all i feel like is a good cuddle and some serious affirmation?

new things

lots of changes in my life.

one of the major sources of stress and anxiety in my life is now gone. this is a good thing. it is the better thing. it is what jesus wants for me, its what he is inviting me into. it is right. i am excited for this.

but it is also really sad. and really hard. i don't like giving things up. things that for so long have provided me with comfort. things that i am so attached to. things that i love and care about deeply. things that i have thought are good and true, but find out are really just a false imitation of what love really is.

i am single. for the first time in 3 years (and 3 months). this is a long time. i have never been a single university student. i have never lived on my own as a single person. i dont know how to be friends with boys without playing the 'i have a bf' card as soon as possible. i hardly remember what it's like to not have someone to talk to every night and replay my day. i hardly remember what its like not to get 'i love you' messages throughout the day.

but i will figure it out. new experiences are good. i will learn. i will make more friends, and i will be more open to experiences. i will have more time to devote to my community, and my weekends are entirely my own to do as i please.

yet, i mourn. i mourn the loss of a relationship that had good elements, that was a cause for much joy and comfort in my life. i mourn the loss of a dear friend. i mourn the loss of a huge part of my life that is now gone. i mourn the part of my identity that is no longer. i mourn the future that i thought i had.

but i am excited. excited for new adventures, new relationships, new opportunities. excited to see what god has to teach me, to show me, to give me. excited to experience real love, god's steadfast and faithful love. (see psalm 25. and the rest of the bible.)

anxiety

fun becky fact of the day: my stomach is linked very strongly with many other factors. including stress, anxiety, busyness of life, bad moods, and sadness. and it goes both ways. if my stomach is empty, i get in a bad mood. the hungrier i am, the grumpier i get. so if im grumpy... feed me! serious. and the other way too... if i am anxious about something (like a test, or something going on in my life) i get these horrible stomach-pains. and they just last and last. its not fun. i get this trait from my father. he's just like this. thanks dad.

so the reason this is coming up, is that i have alot of anxiety in my life these days. which means, lots of anxiety-stomach-pains too. great. a friend told me tonight i seem to hear the words "i worry about [blank]" coming out of your mouth very frequently. and its true. i do have a tendency to worry about things, especially when i have alot on my mind. and especially when those things are major. like... rest-of-my-life decisions. sigh. or, decisions that FEEL like rest-of-my-life decisions.

i need to try to take it easy though, for two reasons:
1) stressing over things that I have no control over is a BAD IDEA. for real.
2) things that seem to be the end-of-the-world, make-it-or-break-it decisions... probably aren't that huge. sure, they might be major, but there are very few decisions in this world that can't be changed later on in my life. i can always go back to school, change my major, change my career, make new relationships, live with different people, etc. and all decisions can be learned from.

and the way i plan to deal with anxiety is this:
1) journalling. getting things out of my mind and onto paper is a good thing. it helps me organize my thoughts, think more objectively, de-emotionalize, work through options, and all sorts of other good things.
2) talking with people. this whole "community" thing can be tough at times, opening up to people is a hard thing to do. but, i don't know any better way to get help with anxiety and problems than to talk things over with people who love me, and pray together.

and that is what i'm learning about anxiety. much easier said than done. but now its out there.

up.

things are looking up.

slowly, but surely, i think things will be alright. at least they're not so crazy anymore. no more rollercoaster ride. we fell off the ride at the bottom, the very depths of despair, but now we are gradually working our way back up again. towards love, and honesty, and trust, and openness, and compassion, and respect, and acceptance.

i hope i never have to go through that again.

and i hope our relationship ends up stronger because of it.

thank you God for bringing strength and understanding and clarity to the situation, and providing caring friends to provide support. I couldn't have done it alone.

roller coaster

so basically ive been on the most massive roller coaster ride of my life since that last post. for real. i cannot remember a time with so many ups and downs and twists and turns in such a short time. my emotions are just about fried, and my brain is pretty much toast.

enough with the metaphors. i have gone through some pretty big stuff lately. i can't really post specifics here, not now anyways. its related to a good friend of mine who is going through some ridiculously heavy stuff, which is affecting me in a very significant way, both directly and indirectly. and i really don't know how to deal with it. i have no pre-formed responses for situations such as this. im at a huge loss of what to do, how to respond, how to help, how to do the best thing for everyone involved. keep myself safe and help others at the same time. its a dilemma.

so sorry for this very cryptic message. you may email me for more information if you so desire. maybe ill post more later. i dont think anyone reads this anyways so mostly its a way for me to kinda get some stuff out of my brain. and if youre the praying type... please please pray for this whole crapball of a situation.

confession and reconciliation

Providing God,
We're often tempted by fruitless self-sufficiency.
Help us instead to trust your faithful care
and draw us close to you and our neighbours.
We pray these things in Jesus Christ, the Lord. AMEN

Today is the first Sunday of Lent. I went to church this morning, with one old friend and one new friend. It was beautiful and sunny outside, which made for a lovely walk, even though it was windy and very cold. This was the prayer that we spoke as a congregation, confessing our sins of self-sufficiency and asking to be reconciled with God and others.

This prayer really spoke to me. I am a pretty independent person, there is nothing i like more than having a day to myself that i can plan and do my own thing, go where i want and do what i want when i want to. its wonderful. I like to think that I am in complete control of my life, of my grades, of my performance, of my relationships, of my future, and that with proper time/self/life management, i can make everything turn out fine. by myself. on my own. but... this is not right. i have been learning that god created us for community, that community is the place where we can hear and see and experience truth and honesty and love and faithfulness. and when i say that i can do life by myself, i am really denying myself the experience that i was created for, and i miss out.

and no wonder i get in moods... clearly there are going to be times when i feel like i can't do it on my own... and when i don't have people around me to share with, to be with, to talk to, to journey together... problemo.

don't quite know how to solve this one.

the mood

I'm reading a book called "Paint it Black" by Janet Fitch. it is a wonderfully depressing story of a girl whose lover killed himself, and she is reliving their moments. good, bad, horrid, wonderful, beautiful, depressing... in a wonderful story of heartache and deep sadness. so far anyways.

it sounds like im writing a book review. but its a good book.

problem: it has put me in such a mood. or maybe it has just made me more fully realize the mood i am in. its what i call... "the mood". i get this mood. somewhat rather frequently. im sure ive posted when ive been in the mood before. its not really good times. yet... it makes me feel alive, human, real somehow. in a strange way.

this mood includes (but is not limited to) feelings of:
-sadness
-hopelessness
-regret
-dejection
-loneliness
-isolation
-rejection
-resentment
and also features:
-excessive listening of music, especially the somber type. right now its evanescence.
-eating bad food, or not eating at all
-stomachaches
-crying myself to sleep

its easy to see why this mood is not good or healthy.

yet why do i like it? like is the wrong word. but there is something about it that i find real and true. perhaps its because i have such a hard time with emotions, i like to kill them and ignore them and then they flare up and then i have bad days and stomachaches for days on end and then i go home or see my boy and everything is better. damn i suck.

words

sometimes people really suck at expressing themselves in words.

i guess i cant say anything. im in this category too. ive found myself in situations where what people take from what ive said is totally not what i meant them to think. language is hard sometimes, the words you use can mean something totally different to someone else then you thought in your head originally. i get this.

but sometimes when someone does such a ridiculously poor job of expressing and explaining themself, you have to wonder.

forming opinions and judgements

i used to write long, thought-out posts about topics that i had mulled around in my mind, read lots of smart-people's thoughts on, and had come up with intelligent, informed opinions. its true. things like drinking, homosexuality, evolution and who knows what else.

but the thing is... i didn't have any experience with any of those things. i was very detached. i just read about them and thought in abstract ways. i didn't have any personal interaction or vested interest. so it was pretty easy to come up with opinions and judgements (yes, judgements... if you call something right or wrong or good or bad of smart or not... thats a judgement).

example: homosexuality. i could write a good post about this (and im pretty sure i did on more than one occasion). i thought was being pretty accepting and loving too (and i was, compared to lots of people out there). i could explain how its a sin but its not worse than any other sin, and you can have a problem with the sin but still love and accept and care about the person, just like you should love and accept and care about ANY person. great thoughts.

but... id never met a gay person. ever. they were this kinda vague concept in my head, of people who were out there, about whom i should form an opinion. which is weird, if you think about it. why should i be forming opinions and making judgement calls about a group of people whom i have never had any personal experience or interaction with? that seems wrong.

so i go to university. in the music program. with probably a higher population of gay guys than straight ones. or at least close to it. and im friends with them. and we hang out. and ive gotten to know them. and they are real people, no longer a vague notion in my head.

and you know what, its not so easy any more, the whole thing is not cut and dried. at all.

for one thing, try telling a gay person that you think that his gay-ness is wrong, but you still love him as a person. you're basically telling him that one of the major factors in his self-identity and the way he views himself and interacts with others is bad. because lets be honest, gay-ness is as much a part of a person as any other part of his self-concept. its not just something-they-do, its who-they-are. BIG difference. telling them this would basically be rejecting them as a person, no matter how you try to phrase it. bad idea. i'm fairly certain Jesus does not advocate rejecting people.

another thing. why do i have any authority at all to make judgement calls about other people? especially in areas of their identity? i don't go around telling people that i think they are wrong for being out-going or for being a pacifist or activist or whatever way they may view themself. why is being gay any different?

ok, so you can make an argument against it in the bible. sure, i can see that. i don't know how conclusive it is, honestly, but i won't disagree that it is there to a certain extent. so what? you think that gives me a right to tell other people how they should be? who they should be? especially people who don't follow the bible?

something tells me that that is not good. in the slightest.

PS this is not the end. this is just the beginning. i have many more thoughts about this, just not for tonight. perhaps another day. but just think. why do we make judgement calls about things that we have no personal experience with, that do not affect us personally? why does that even make sense?

myspace messages

So I got a myspace message the other day. i dont use myspace. i think i have 5 friends. including tom. i created it when i was like 16, for the sole purpose of creeping other people's photos. so when i got an email from myspace saying "you have a new message from Mike", i thought "what the heck? who sends me myspace messages? who even uses myspace any more?" and so i went and checked. and lo and behold, there was a myspace message from mike, my greyhound-buddy/creeper! (see: my bus trip...) crazyness, i know. i couldn't believe it. who keeps a little piece of paper with someones email address on it for TWO YEARS? and then creeps their myspace and sends a message saying "do you recall a really fun time on a gray-hound lol" (exact quote). oh the things i get myself into...

and in case youre wondering, no i did not reply. i considered it. but i thought maybe that wouldnt be a good idea. also, my bf is really not so keen on the idea... i think the whole thing is hilarious, but he's not convinced...

in other news, im tired and stressed and am pretty much dreading the next 2 weeks. SO many quizes and midterms, its a little nuts. and im sure all will be well and ill get all good marks and life will be dandy, but the whole process of going through it is just not so fun. add to that some sadness about some news i heard about a friend, uncertainty over whether i should do a double major, also a pending conversation i need to have that may or may not go over so well, and the fact that i miss my family and friends and bf so very much... yea. sigh. such is life i guess. i need to learn to enjoy what i have and the things that come my way without stressing so much. easier said than done.

i dont like you

have you ever wondered about the phrase "i dont like you (or him or her or whatever)"??

why is it socially acceptable (and normal) to not like other people?

because not-liking someone is a choice. really. i guess there are some things that you don't choose, like, bad first impressions, or funny feelings, or if other people say nasty things to you that make you feel bad, or something like that. or sometimes you just don't hit it off well with someone else. but those things don't automatically equate not-liking someone. i really have to make a conscious choice to actually not-like someone else.

why do we think that that's ok?

im pretty sure that if we made conscious choices to like other people, and to act on that, the world would be a better place. and our relationships would be better. and we would have more harmony and unity and community and all that good stuff.

thats all.

my grandma

its finally sinking in that my grandma is gone. i will never see her again. i will never go visit her at serenity. i will never play piano for her. she will never tell me how wonderful i am, how much she loves my music. i can't keep her updated on my schoolwork and piano studies and life in general. she won't see what things i do with my life. she won't be at my wedding. my kids (if i have any) won't know their great-grandma.

and it's really really sad to me.

a thing i wrote for my grandma's funeral:

Music was a huge part of Grandma’s life. As a young child, I remember the highlight of our visits at Grandma’s house would be getting to go to church early with her. I remember feeling so special sitting up on the organ bench beside her while she played before church. Christmas Eve services were also a favourite; I thought it was so cool to get a candle in church. Then we would walk across the street back home to Grandma’s house with our candles lit. I remember sitting in her living room with no light except for our candles, and Grandma sitting at the piano and the whole family sitting around singing Christmas carols for what seemed like hours, I never wanted it to end. When Grandma lived at our house, I always thought it was the greatest thing when she would come into the music room and play piano, or when I could get her to help me with my theory homework. After Grandma moved into Serenity, I would always make sure to bring my piano books when we visited and play for her whatever pieces I was working on at the time. Last time we went I think I must’ve played for over an hour. I played all the pieces that I was learning for school, and then I played through a number of hymns and old Irish tunes that we all sang along to. Grandma would always tell me to “play something of your own choosing”, as if I had been playing all those pieces for her sake, not mine. But the reality is, I loved to play for my Grandma, for unlike many of the audiences I play for, she appreciated and loved my playing, no matter what. And that is what I will always remember, her love for music, and her unconditional love of me and my music.

And that is my grandma. one of the most wonderful people i know. or... knew. sigh. i will never know how many people's lives she touched through her kindness and her music... the countless piano students she taught, the weddings she played for, the funerals, the church services, the carol sings, and who knows what else. i can only hope that my music will help even a fraction of the number of people that i know hers did.

sleep. emotions.

im tired. im laying in bed with the lights off. with my computer on my lap. but i cant go to sleep. or, i wont go to sleep. i havent tried yet. and i dont want to. i dont want to put my computer away, to lay down and shut my eyes. i dread it.

i dont know why. i love sleeping. in the morning, i would sleep as long as i possibly could. but at nighttime? i have such a hard time getting up the will (courage? nerve?) to go to bed. i just cant do it. once im falling asleep, im fine. but its those moments between awake and asleep that i really dread. those moments that seem to stretch on... and on... and on.

so here i am. 2:12am. awake. exhausted. sad.

i should be ecstatic right about now. im done my exams. they went well. i am now home for the holidays. i love being home. i love my family, my friends, my love. i have nothing to do besides sleep in, practice piano, visit my niece, see my love, see friends, write a christmas letter, read books... sounds wonderful, doesnt it? it really does.

yet... im not ecstatic. im really not. far from it. in reality, im sad. ive done alot of crying in the last couple of days. and im really not sure why.

i think its change. i dont do well with change. at all. i just have a hard time dealing. in general, im not a strong person. i dont have good coping mechanisms perhaps. things overwhelm me. too much at once makes my head spin and i just collapse... emotionally anyways.

i need to go back to the lesson ive learned so many times in the past. emotions are valid. i have reasons to feel the way i do, and thats ok. i should express them, and deal with them. BUT, emotions are not defining factors. they do not change things, determine things, or mean anything much of significance. they come and go, wishy washy, la-di-da, but life stays the same, TRUTH stays the same. and this is what is important.

don't really know where im going with this, it is now almost 2:30, and i think i shall attempt to go to sleep. we'll see how that goes.

life can just get so confusing. today was one of those days. it was a good day, technically. nothing bad happened. everything went as planned. i didn't forget anything, mess anything up, make anyone angry. i started my new 'job' (ie helping two girls with their reading/writing/math/time/money skills for two hours twice a week) and it went well. i even got to sleep in.

but somehow, i just feel so crappy.

part of it is stress. why do i let stress over run my life? i have never gotten a really bad mark in university so far, and never on anything major. im always prepared (usually over-prepared), i always get good marks, excel, whatever. so why do i get so stressed out?

part of it is worry. i worry about so many things. what to do. where to go. who to be with. what to think about things. how i feel. every minute of every day im analyzing and worrying about what i am doing and if im doing the right thing.

part of it is a conversation i had today with my piano teacher. she said some things that kinda hit me, i never really thought of them before, i didn't really have answers, and it just kinda caught me off guard (and not in a good way).

part of it is homesickness. i am really really homesick. i want to be at home. i dont want to be here. this is mostly because i have this idea in my head of what 'home' is, read below if you want to know more. it's an idealized view, i guess, but for the most part it is very accurate. my home really is warm and friendly and comfortable and loving and laid-back and familiar... all things that my life is lacking right now.

part of it is tiredness. im just tired. sleep-deprived tiredness, yes. but also tired of being here, of schoolwork, of people, of isolation (self-inflicted at that), of menial things things like making my own food and not having someone to remind me of things and not having anyone caring about how my day is going.

part of it is sadness. im sad right now. for reasons, and for no reasons.

and im sure the list could go on.

i am tired, stressed, worried, homesick, lonely, tired, sad.... really not a good combination. makes even good days feel like bad days.

if there's one thing i know, it's that music is strong, music has power, music is infinitely more than i can ever know. the more i learn the more i find i don't know. the more i listen the more i love. the more i play the more i realize it's just so big and beyond my small fingers and interpretations.
so. my music of choice these days is jon foreman, copeland, and sometimes jack's mannequin. things like "your love is strong" and "learning to die" by jon foreman and "brightest" and "priceless" and "testing the strong ones" and "coffee" by copeland. these are good ones. and so i listen, and try to hold on to the truth that
-love is strong
-there's a love that transcends all that we've known of ourselves
-god knows what i need
-i need people and people need me (like dragonflies need wind, like orphans need home)
-someone thinks im the brightest firefly in their jar

debates

inner debates are inevitable.

they happen all the time, all day long, wherever you are.

i debate with myself over trivial things. like, what should i eat, what should i wear, how should i do my hair, what music should i listen to, should i write in my blog or in my journal, etc. I guess it's kinda necessary, how else would i ever decide anything?

then theres the medium-level debating. nothing serious, just matters of every day importance. things like what should i do today? where should i go to church? should i study or practice or socialize, and how much of each? what time will i go to bed? how will i interact with my roommates? how will i interact with my classmates, my teachers? theres a certain level of necessity here as well. i need to be conscious of these things, and sometimes pick the more unpleasant of options, for the good of my self and my studies and such.

then theres the hard-core debating. where should i go to university? what should i study? who should i live with? what will i do with my life? again, very important. i am in control of my future, to a certain extent anyways, and so i need to make wise decisions.

these things, so far, are pretty basic. we all know this. we realize them, recognize them, we have our strategies for managing them, and life is peachy. sometimes something won't really fit, but usually the brain will use its known strategies to come up with a new one that will work, and life goes on.

but then, once in awhile, i get an inner debate that doesnt fit any of these categories. i just dont get it. i don't know how to deal with it, how to approach it, my strategies don't work, and my brain just can't come up with anything useful at all.

and the debate just grows and grows. it doesn't matter if it's a big thing, or just a little bitty problem. when i have an inner debate that can't get resolved, it drives me nuts. and i worry about it, and fret, and stress, and get myself into a little tizzy that makes this debate seem like some all-powerful all-encompassing full-out predicament that i can't handle.

i don't really know why it works like this. i come across so many decisions and debates and dilemmas in every day life, why should one suddenly have this power over me?

it probably has something to do with fear of the unknown, fear of hurting someone, fear of doing wrong, fear of making a big mistake...

but it's not even the idea of making a bad choice that worries me so much, its more the thought of having to resolve a debate that i don't understand, and making a decision that i dont think i can make.

i still don't know what to do.

home.

i had a lovely weekend at home. i like going home. home is wonderful.

i love my family. i love spending time with them, hanging out in the kitchen for hours, going out with my bro and/or sis, endless chats with my mom, seeing my sis and bro-in-law and cuddling my beautiful niece.

i love seeing my friends. we have good times. home-friends are the type that you can just pick up where you left off. things are normal again. you know each other so well, you dont have to worry about things. you can just chill. its nice.

i love my boy. at the risk of sounding mushy-gushy-puppy-love-ish, i truly believe he is the one for me, and i can't wait to see what's in the future for us. i can't get enough of time with him. he makes me feel like me.

i love my home. i love how comfy it is. i love my room, my living room, and especially my kitchen. i love the fact that we always have food. good food. and i love how comfy other people are in my home.

but now i'm back at school. and i'm really not so excited about it. i mean, my apartment is fine, my roommates are fine, school is fine... its just not HOME.

i miss it already.

school update

i've been here two full weeks now. had a week and a day of classes. spent a weekend at home and a weekend here with my favourite boy.

im still not entirely sure how im feeling. classes are good, but already they're losing their novel appeal and are starting to feel like just a lot of work. i got a mark back from an assignment i handed in last week and got 8/10, which is not really very good for that class. last year i got an A+. we have a test on wednesday already and im a bit worried for it. maybe nervous is a better word. i guess we'll see how things go. we're also getting spot-checked for homework in both of my core music classes, theory it's alright because it's just written work, but skills spot-checks means singing in front of everyone, which is rather nerve-wracking for me. i got used to it last year but this is a whole new year, new classmates, new teacher. and im really not a singer.

as far as home-life goes, its alright. i like it better than dormlife for sure, though sometimes i miss the easyness of having loads of people available all the time, not just one. but its good. i think i'm going to like it.

piano lessons put me on edge right now. i have a new teacher, and while i think i'm going to like her, eventually, right now we just don't really seem to mesh. i get nervous around her and can't say what i want to say and then feel kinda like an idiot. and then i try to play what she asks and i screw it up and feel more like an idiot. and she's not one for compliments so its hard to feel like im doing things right. and im nervous for next week, where i have to bring in another new piece and analyze it in a whole bunch of ways.

i have a journal now. and im writing in it. and its lovely. blogging is nice, but the privacy and intimacy of a journal is just something different. and im liking it. maybe ill transfer something from there to here one of these days.

Last week in masterclass my teacher asked us (maybe 15 of us?) to imagine that we were middle-aged, had accomplished everything in music that we wanted to (ie we were all famous performers, wonderful teachers, therapists, rockstars, whatever), and were now making a change of career/lifestyle. what 5 things would we do? so off the top of my head i said:
1) sail around the world
2) hold babies in Africa
3) own a bookstore
4) live in Hawaii
5) be a flight attendant
kinda random, i know. but i had to think fast. and its really hard to do. what would you say??
also, i have to go off campus somewhere and bring something back for masterclass next week, something that represents one of these ideas, something tangible that i can put up in my room to remind myself of these dreams. i dont know yet what i'm going to do. i dont have much time, really, now that i think of it. tomorrow's a busy day, and masterclass is wednesday morning. maybe ill go over to chapters?

thats all for now. i need to go to bed. im trying to keep to a better schedule and tonight ive failed miserably. sigh.